A Treatise on the Cosmology of Wepid &c.

 AN UNNECESSARY INTRODUCTION

POZDRAV, KOLEGE, ZAINTERESIRANI AMATERI I NEPOTREBNI DRUGI! - Hello, colleagues, interested amateurs and unnecessary others! I am no introduction but here is an one anyways!

As a talented frog-lad I saw the stars not often in the fens and marshes of my people. When the skies did clear it was a wonderfulness moment for this humble one. So it was decided that I was to become a STAR-STARER! Here I am now to tell you of the spheres of heaven that surround us and often murder us by their influence and powers either directly or indirectly. It will be so many fun and very much informative! Introduction over!

OF THE SPHERE OF VVEPID (EARTH)

Though there are many nations and cities of less import we can all agree that VVEPID is truly the Hermafroditski vođa svih gradova, the KING-QUEEN of all the cities! So here is the Sphere I name for it and all the things in it. I ignore Luna and Tuna as inferior to the rest. Go read a Moth-Man Book for MOONS-TALES! Now read all the names of the SPHERE-THINGS!

MANNISH	ALDMANNISH	ALTDWARFISCH	DWEUTSCH	ELDISH	HAUTE’ FEENCEIS	OLD ONE	CROAKATIAN
Sonn	Helios	Shtrak	Strahlend	Au’Lu	Soleil	?	Sunce
Murcos	Moumeious	Smoltrem	Schwelender	Lu'Gupe	Cendre	Ud'Idim'Gu	Pepeo
Vesta	Vesitia	Nekkum	Leichentuch	Lo'Voeq	Nuage	Eryx	Oblak
Earth	Enthaeos	Bralltir	Schmutz	Li'Vedu	Sale	?	Prljavo
Meles	Meleos	Sminrak	Schmeide	Ly'visaza	Stupide	Rhylhos	Glupo
-	Duizios	Lidt	Verlorener	Le'Nanani	Perdu	Xandra	-
Jusos	Jilios	Dyswans	Deriesenort	Li'Dona	Pere	Ylidiomph	Otac
Striatos	Striahoos	Hylt	Derkranz	Li'Idi	Fils	Cykranosh	Sin
Undowr	Undoetia	Bison-dit	Weit	Li'Kafora	Mere	L'gy'hx	Majka
Nisol	Nysaeos	Noll	Sehrweit	Li'Ruve	Fille	Yaksh	Djevojcka
Pertos	Peraitia	Phostmray	Lacherlichweit	La'Kyl	Chien	Iukkoth	Zaba
?	?	?	?	?	?	Kynaoth	?

ON THE DWARVES AND ELD

Of the DWARVES it is said that they are made from the Mountains themselves, but much has been lost since the destruction of Sminrak, the Mother Forge. Perhaps they came here from arcane ways and portals like the ELD but it matters not. All the DWARVES of Earth are descendants of the remnants who were here when Sminrak was seared. No known survivors from Sminrak escaped the cleansing and dark sacrifices of the DOOM-WAR. The DWARVES of Earth do not speak of these things with outsiders. Those few portals to the Iron Mother are closed.

 THE ELDAR AND THE ELVES

The Eldar came from a place outside our universe. They were beautiful, cruel, delicate, alien, and merciless. It is said they brought magic as we know it to our world. Their wars with the Dwarves produced many of the horrors that still plague us. Having colonized the 4^th planet and Eldiformed it to their taste they enslaved and bred humans for food, labor, and their loathsome “entertainments”. They may have created the bestial races in their manipulations. Earth was, however, unimportant to them save as a hunting preserve of sorts, and a dumping ground for their exiles and failed experiments. The Elves we know are a pale shadow of their ancestors and that’s a good thing too. They are descended from the pacifist dissenters amongst the Eld, human-eld-hybrids, the insane (especially those who felt a fondness for lesser beings like humans and beastmen), and other misfits. These traits are mutually beneficial to all races it seems.

ON LE’NANANI AND SMINRAK AND THE DOOM-WAR THAT DESTROYED THEM

“…and the Fey-Queens in fabled Lenanani called forth UVHASH, their ravenous god and cried unto him ‘LYVISAZA must be destroyed! The ‘LYVANINANI must suffer!’ And UVHASH THE DEVOURER did descend upon ‘LYVISAZA, which the DWARVES call SMINRAK – THE IRON MOTHER, and UVHASH burned away all her metal and all her oceans and left only desolate blood-red sand in his passing.

Even as their world burned in their forge-halls the DWARF-LORDS sacrificed what remained of their artifacts, and gems, and hordes of treasures and called on fell servitors from the outer places. These they sent to gnaw at the very core of ELDAR LENANANI, called by the DWARVES LIDT. And then did a tenfold greater doom befall the ELDAR QUEENS and LENANANI OF THE MILLION GROVES. The green and cruel heart of the planet pulsed thrice with a DOOM-SOUND like unto a colossal brass bell. On the first stroke the ways to the ELD were shattered. On the second stroke all living things were struck senseless. On the third and final ponderous strike the planet was rent and sundered by the forces of the DWARF-LORDS’ dark summoning.

Where once countless chalcedony towers rang with the pure inhuman beauty of Eld-song now there is the silence of death. Where ancient and titanic trees shaded the endless cruel ecstasies of the ELD there is only lifeless, cold, dark void. The Million Groves forever The Million Graves.

In the Clan halls and Dwarf mountains of the Mother Forge there is no more clever work to be done. Only the skulking of the shadowy servitors and their eerie wails. Their halls are tombs forever.

Both places are only for the dead and best left forgotten.”

THE RACES OF THE KNOWN WORLD

AS prepared by

Magus third class LEEFF UMRIGHT, Royal Trepannist & Fellow Of The Archival College & Vivisection Society of VVEPID

OF MEN, GENERALLY

HUMANS are not the best physically, magically, long-lived, or the most durable of the races. Despite this they are one of the most successful. The races of men are more vigorous and ambitious than the long-dreaming fey, more inventive and less hide-bound than the dwarf, less factionalized and more cooperative than GOBLINKIN. Mankind is the undisputed master of both mighty empires and small freeholds. THE ELDER RACES have been pushed further and further into their strongholds by we upstart men.

The language of man is known as the “COMMON TONGUE” or “LINGUA FRANKFURTER” for the fact that like winkling out the inner-secrets of that UBIQUITOUS SAUSAGE, no one wants to closely examine why the gloom-riders of the NORTHWASTE speak the same language as the ANTARKTIKAN PANGUINTERI. While an occasional upstart from the Hon’ble Soc. Of Thesaurites, Etymologers, &. Wordticklers posits a theory here or there they are usually found floating in the effluvia of a nearby canal, bereft of the spark of life. Suffice to say that other than COMICAL FOREIGN ACCENTS speech and script are mutually intelligible by most folks who can thread the frogs closed on their own codpieces.

COMMON PHRASES IN COMMON:

“I CUT THEIR THROATS WHILE THEY SLEEP.”

“I POKE IT WITH A THREE-CUBIT POLE, DOES IT EXPLODE?”

“ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE?”

Speaking as a human, I am generally favorably disposed to most of my fellows. Except for a few personal rivals not worth mentioning to anyone, save the clerk at the assassin’s union’s intake desk, we are for the most part an agreeable and wholesome lot. Mankind is hardworking within reason, and subject to no more cruelty and depravity than any other race (and far less than some). I give mankind a solid c+ with special marks for tenacity and effort. Well done us.

Men may master magic, fighting, or serving the gods with equal aplomb. The nature of mankind to strive for more and better leaves us unlimited in how far we can go if we keep trying. It is with the usual level of distaste that I must point out this also applies to the FEMALES of our species as well.

As we all know human meat tastes like chicken but is far less dear.

OF HALFLINGS

Are HOLEBITS just inbred runty humans? This is a question that has puzzled literally no scholars for centuries. HALFLINGS, as they are also known, keep to themselves unless they fancy something shiny, then you can’t keep the blasted things out of your purse or cupboard for love or H-----R. Where there are HUMANS there are HALFLINGS, they say. Presumably there are also places where there are only halflings and I say b’gods keep ‘em. In the countryside, HOLEBITS accrete in tight-knit villages where they live in dirty holes in the ground… literally. In the cities, HALFLINGS tend to congregate in filthy complex warrens and keep to themselves except as q.v shiny things above.

Occasionally an exceptionally stout-hearted HOLEBIT lad or lass emerges from one or the other sort of shite-hole to get knifed in the street, on a lonely highway, or in some deserted temple as part of an ill-fated “adventure.” These anomalies are rightly looked at by the surviving members of their ilk, and society in general, as No Big Loss.

The HALFLING speaks a debased language known to men as “c’mo” but to the RUNTLES is known as GNÁTH-CHAINT or “ordinary speech”. It is as one would expect a filthy patois of “BEJABBERS” and half-lies. Most HOLEBITS speak also the common tongue.

COMMON PHRASES IN COMMON TRANSLATED INTO C’MO/GNÁTH-CHAINT

“I CUT THEIR THROATS WHILE THEY SLEEP = DÉANANN MÉ A GCUID SCORNACH AGUS IAD AG CODLADH.

“I POKE IT WITH A THREE-CUBIT POLE, DOES IT EXPLODE? = BUAILIM LE CUAILLE TRÍ CHIÚB É, AN NDÉANANN SÉ PLÉASCADH?

“ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE?”= AN BHFUIL AON CHAILÍNÍ ANN?

HOLEBIT meat harvested from adults is best avoided as the HOMEBREW THEY QUAFF TO EXCESS and the NOXIOUS PIPE-WEED they constantly smoke taints it with a frisson of BURNT TARRED DOG. A burning brazier with a smoldering HOLEBIT noggin in it is however good for warding off other HAIRFOOTS with a mind to pilfer your hard-earned coins. Otherwise tastes like chicken.

THE BESTIAL RACES

With great debate and trepidation, the bestial races are placed under the banner of “men”. Often loosely and by force in most cases.

MAGIC and CHAOS have torn open the fabrics of space, time, and probability in so many ways it is hard to say whether the bestial races are nature’s works, an ALCHEMIST’S FOLLY, the product of FROTTAGE BETWIXT NEIGHBORING PLANES or some god’s whim.

All the BEAST-MEN and MAN-BEASTS are generally organized so they have the power of comprehensible speech and the ability to manipulate tools and objects as well as any human. Most can wear clothing and armor with some small modifications (except as noted.) Some are unique specimens, others are large and common races with villages, towns, or occasionally cities entirely populated by beings of like form.

OF MAN-BEASTS

Most common are the MAN-BEASTS, these combine the traits of MAMMALIAN ANIMALS and MAN. Next most common are the INSECT-BASED RACES, this is surprising since bugs were made by the Gods themselves, in their wisdom, to be extraordinarily icky in their sight. Third, the BIRD-LIKE RACES, all flightless (unless magic or a nearby cliff intervenes of course.) Then FISH-PEOPLE, REPTILE-MEN, and AMPHIBIANS, and finally the OOZE TYPES, which are, if anything, MORE UNNERVING than bug-people, and are thankfully rare.

The languages spoken by the bestial races are varied from the urruping CROAKATIAN of the amphibious frog and toad-men to the twittery bird-man’s BEAKSQUE. CARAPACIAN, the tongue of ARTHROPOD, INSECT AND ARACHNID-MEN often involves movements with pincers, antennae, and sometimes GROTESQUE EXCRETIONS that make native-like fluency difficult for other races. The same can be said for MUCUSTRALIAN the language of WORM, SLUG, SNAIL, AND JELLY-MEN which can be downright sanity-blasting to see. BLUBGARIAN, the language of the FISH-MEN, while comical in sound is quite easy to learn as is the “beast common” tongue BEASTALIAN spoken by a broad range of mammalian beastmen consists of various grunts, growls, and lots of wild gesticulation. In contrast HISSINGESE is a soft, subtle, susurration - sibilant surreptitious syllables slipping supply out of the SPOOKY MOUTHS of REPTILES, LIZARDS AND SNAKE-MEN.

The languages of the various bestial races are detailed below with the language’s name also given in the NATIVE TONGUE.

CROAKATIAN (FROG AND TOAD-MEN)……………………………………AMFIBIJSKI

BEAKSQUE (BIRD-MEN)………………………………………………………..TXORI

CARAPACIAN (ARTHROPOD, INSECT AND ARACHNID-MEN)………..BESZÉLGETÉS

MUCUSTRALIAN (WORM, SLUG, SNAIL, AND JELLY-MEN)…………….SPROG

BLUBGARIAN (FISH-MEN)……………………………………………………..BŬLBUKA

BEASTALIAN (MAMMALIAN BEASTMEN)…………………………………..ABBIARE

HISSINGESE (REPTILES, LIZARDS, SNAKE-MEN)………………………….SUǑYǑU ZHĚ

Eating most MAN-BEASTS or BEAST-MEN is a rather anti-climactic experience as roast opossum, bat tacos, and stewed sloth can be found at reasonable prices from myriad street corner vendors. Unless you enjoy the frisson of knowing that your braised giant frog’s legs are from a rather unfortunate new member of the court of rags I suppose.

THE FAE RACES

THE LOW FAE

GOBLINKIN

GOBLINKIN are technically fae and are sometimes called “LOW FAE”. GOBLINS have existed for as long as the ELD, perhaps even longer.

GOBLINS speak a universal language “GOBSPERANTO” which they insist is not elvish spoken backwards with all the “smart words” taken out.

COMMON TO GOBSPERANTO

“I CUT THEIR THROATS WHILE THEY SLEEP.” = "MI TRANĈAS SIAJN GORĜOJN DUM ILI DORMAS."

“I POKE IT WITH A THREE-CUBIT POLE, DOES IT EXPLODE?”="MI FIKSAS ĜIN PER TRI-ULNA POLUSO, ĈU ĜI EKSPLODAS?"

“ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE?”="ĈU TIE ESTAS KNABINOJ?"

BOGGLES & AL.

The most common kinds of GOBLINKIN are often the least visible. For example, the common BOGS, SPROTS, GLEEBLIKS, AND HOUSE SMUGGLES that have developed a symbiotic relationship with humans and other races. These are usually found making shoes for bread crusts, keeping milk from spoiling for cheese-rinds etc. Etc. As someone who has dedicated his life to advancing our natural philosophy I can safely say they are generally of no great harm even when up to mischief and will not be discussed here further.

Small species are best roasted whole in clay as with gamebirds (starlings, sparrows, et al.) Remove entrails in specimens larger than a hands-breadth. Medium sized cook as coneys. Passible if bread, nut or dairy fed. Do not eat: POTMUCKERS, PRIVY SLIDERS, PISSBUCKS, OR TOAD LICKERS.

GOBLINS

Also Known As GRUBS, GOBBLES, GREYBACKS, GREENIES, SCUZ, KOBOLDOJ, others omitted for the sake of brevity and decorum. GOBLIN skin colors are grey greens or bluish. Hair, when present tends to be sparse and wiry in white, yellow, or black. Horns, if present number 1-4 and may be anything from tiny nubs or large rams’ horns. Skin may be scaly, knobbed, or smooth.

Goblins and their larger and more violent brethren HOB-GOBLINS (see below) are the most influential of GOBLINKIN. Influence here being a measure of caravans looted, infants snatched and noisily consumed, as well as myriad other despicable acts against the more civilized races of the earth. While there are a handful of GOBLISH CITY-STATES that can be reasonably dealt with using the methods of commerce and diplomacy it still behooves the party that parleys with a GOBLIN to have a goodly number of spears at their command. “Akra ŝtalo, Justa Interkonsento” or “Sharp Steel, fair deal” as the old GOBLISH saying goes.

GOBLINS make tenacious WARRIORS, terrible, if enthusiastic, MAGICIANS, and not much else.

GOBLIN meat is tough, thick skinned, bony. Hang well, then stew low in a spicy ragout as with a particularly gamy old goat. Organ meats are surprisingly delicate.

THE HOBGOBLINS

Also Known As BOGEYMEN, GRIMS, GREENIES, BIGGINS. GOBLINS, like all fey are very, very long lived. Luckily for the rest of the races of earth they also die often and violently. Given enough time and violence a GOBLIN becomes very large, cunning, and strong. Most goblin clans are in fact run by hobgoblins.

HOBGOBLINS are warriors through-and-through, in very rare cases some HOBGOBLINS will retain magical spells they learned but it is generally not in their nature to have the patience or ability to continue to cast spells.

HOBGOBLIN meat is prepared as for GOBLINS above, but is gamy, tough, rare and priced accordingly. Spiced, dried, Hobgoblin meat, known as Hobtong, is pounded into threads and stewed into the Spagnish “Mierda Encima Una Teja”.

THE LARGER GOBLINKIN OR BUGABOOS

Also known as TROLLS, OGRES, BOGGARS, BUGGERMANS, BUGBEARS. It is rumored that eventually a HOBGOBLIN will grow into an even more powerful creature. It is also said that by then these BUGABOOS are so violent and twisted they are driven mad and can only live lives of solitary cruelty and depravity and slink off to a deep cave or abandoned underworld to feed their hideous appetites.

BUGBEARS

The BUGBEAR seems to span a middle ground between OGRE and TROLL. They are not solitary horrors like the TROLL. Nor are they what passes for an INTELLECTUAL GOBLISH MONSTROSITY like the OGRE. They are however very strong, very cunning and often bully other smaller gobbles into tribes of raiders and bandits that harry the commerce of the civilized worlds. As the old saying goes “one bugbear is trouble, two bugbears is a war.”

It is my theory that bloodthirsty HOBS become TROLLS, while what passes for the more intellectual GOBLISH individuals become OGRES, and ambitious ones eventually become what we call BUGBEARS.

Even if you could murder and butcher any of these monstrosities I would shudder to think of how it would taste. Send any samples c/o the author, 27 Shrieking Manses, Street Of The Half-Digested Apprentice, Wepid West 7.

OGRES

OGRES retain the most social and intellectual prowess of all their brethren. That’s not saying a lot, but they can be on par with the average human. OGRES can even be found in some of the more cosmopolitan cities. It is thought that the OGRE may be the inevitable form of GOBLIN who practice magic since magic use is more common amongst OGRES. OGRES, while still violent and easy to enrage they are much more civilized than a TROLL.

TROLLS

TROLLS are exceptionally nasty specimens who can regenerate and can only be killed by fire. How they come by this power is not known. They are however particularly dense, if cunning, creatures who are always hungry for the flesh of, well, anything. They are nearly 100% feral and can’t be reliably dealt with. Run.

THE HIGH FAE

ELVES are lithe, free creatures of exquisite beauty, sophistication and grace. poetry comes from their lips as freely as breathing. their beauty diminishes not under the withering gaze of time. ask any ELF and they’ll tell you this – at length – in lilting TROCHAIC TETRAMETER. they have all the time in the world to expound ad nauseum about their aethereal beauty and delicious ELF-CAKES. “and will you have some lotus wine, it only blooms once a century and is pollinated by the horn of a pure white unicorn whose…” on and on like that. Insufferable. ELVES, generally, are best dealt with before they have had a chance to sink into the languid rhythms of a life span measured in a dozen-dozen human generations. after 1,000 years of age one finds the ELF has gone off somewhat, so to speak.

ELFEN realms are generally presided over by a complex council of aristocrats and since the ELFAE are so long lived and all interrelated this can make things excruciating for the “CHILDISH-RACES” as they call us. The amount and layers of protocol and ritual needed to address those in power vary considerably. the opening introductions, petitions, and song-cycles of the GREAT ELVES’ PHENAERIANNATNUANATHUALITENANANANAN (loosely translated as the “HIGH COURT OF FAE”) has on two separate occasions in recent history required more than 18 years to complete. entire generations of HUMAN DIPLOMATS have been rotated in and out (or died of old age) of postings to the “P’NAN” as it is lovingly known. in contrast, some WOOD ELVES are BRUTALLY DIRECT and act more like VIOLENT ANIMALS than intelligent creatures.

the common ELVISH language, HAUTEFÉENCAIS is, as has been mentioned, poetic and lilting which doesn’t make it any nicer when an ELFEN war-warlock is describing in minute details the excruciations he will inflict on you over the course of the next 700 years. as the PHENERIANNAERIANNATNUANATHUALITENANERIANNANANAFÉENTNUANAERIAN, or “HIGH COUNCIL TO MAINTAIN THE UNVIOLATED STATE OF THE HOLY TONGUE OF ELFENKIND” will LITERALLY MURDER YOU for misusing the ELVEN language it is suspected that quite a few genocidal wars in prehistory can be traced to the HAUTEFÉE being utter wank-poles about their language.

COMMON =HAUTEFÉENCAIS

“I CUT THEIR THROATS WHILE THEY SLEEP.” = "JE LEUR COUPE LA GORGE PENDANT QU'ILS DORMENT."

“I POKE IT WITH A THREE-CUBIT POLE, DOES IT EXPLODE?” = "JE LE PIQUE AVEC UN POTEAU DE TROIS COUDÉES, ÇA ÉCLATE?"

“ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE?” ="Y A-T-IL DES FILLES LÀ-BAS?"

The FAE are Masters of History and magic even if they’re distractedly cryptic about it. I often wonder if their tendency to vex us “EPHEMERAL SOULS” is because it’s one of the things that makes a long life less dull…like burning ants with a fire-starting lens serves as a distraction for petulant children. no matter. ELVES are quite good at anything they set their mind to given their nigh unlimited amount of time to practice. ELFISH magics are as clean and precise as one would expect from immortal aesthetes. Elves are also known to slum with HUMANS and HALFLINGS. the old rumors of enmity between ELVES and DWARVES are true but mostly because they are more alike than they want to admit. they’re just bent in different directions. GOBLINISH FAE above the simpleminded boggles are hated and eradicated when possible. there is a history behind that the implications of which can be used to immediately close the mouth of the most poetically loquacious POINTY-EARED POEM-DRIZZLER.

ELVES are equally well versed in magic and fighting and may focus on wizardry or fighting depending on need or whim. they can make this change between adventures since the meditations needed require a hollow tree and elf-wine or some such nonsense. otherwise they act like any other magic user or warrior. 

ELF meat is best eaten after curing and sliced from the bone as with a low-country style poggle-ham. a salt cure is required, the purer the better but do not over-spice. do not be alarmed if the hung ham weeps slightly, shudders, or emits plaintive cries from time to time.

DWARVENKIND

DWARVES

DWARVES have many guilds, companies, families and clans with distinctions only important to the outside world if you are trying to marry a dwarf (do not try to marry a dwarf if you are not, in fact, one))

Also Known As, STUMPIES, EARTHDOGS, JOBLINS, MHOLES, ZWERF, the DWARVES claim they burrowed up from the depths of the earth and were born of the very stones. Whether this is precisely true is debated at length (and with oft fatal ritual axe-play) by DWARVISH metaphysical engineers. DWARVES are known for being bearded, hardy, insular, bearded, taciturn, bearded, greedy, arrogant, massively bearded, as well as brilliant, albeit bearded, craftsmen. DWARVES are loyal, generous to their friends, are prodigious collectors of filthy jokes and songs, know earth, soil, and rocks by smell and taste, and can eat pretty much anything organic that isn’t poison (and quite a few things that are.)

DWARVES possess a level of sexual dimorphism you usually only find in primitive plants or prehistoric fish. This combined with their tendency to laconic silence makes DWARFISH courtship complex and sexual relations a bit fraught. It also makes for many searingly dirty songs and jokes which dwarves (as mentioned earlier) are not at all shy to relate. Some DWARVEN playwright’s sex-farces often last for days and have programs that stretch into multiple volumes featuring complex flowcharts, elaborately cross-referenced footnotes, and oblique engineering drawings. Cf. “mörderischegeschlechtsidentitätfehlerkampf” below.

DWEUTSCH, the DWARVEN language is well known for four things. first is its use of complex compound words e.g. “mörderischegeschlechtsidentitätfehlerkampf” a duel fought to the death for incorrectly using the incorrect gender form, and “gleibterzraubenschlüzlagendeköpfen” or “beloved wrench for beating heads”. Second, are their seven hundred DWARFISH words for “a drunken fight”. Third, the presence of a feminine mode of address and the incredible difficulty of figuring out when to use it. overall DWEUTSCH is a useful if baroque language much like the dwarves themselves.

COMMON=DWEUTSCH

“I CUT THEIR THROATS WHILE THEY SLEEP.” ="ICH SCHNEIDE IHNEN DIE KEHLE DURCH, WÄHREND SIE SCHLAFEN."

“I POKE IT WITH A THREE-CUBIT POLE, DOES IT EXPLODE?” ="ICH STOCHERE MIT EINEM DREI-KUBIK-BALKEN, EXPLODIERT ES?"

“ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE?” = Untranslatable.

Large DWARFHOLDS are most often organized into craft-based guilds and work for the common weal. Since the needs of most DWARVES are simple (work, ale, a little food, beard grooming (with ale-based beard unguents), more ale, more work, a punch-fight, a few loud songs, a nap, ale, a quick beard-braiding party, laagered beer (for variety), a supper of roast meats, and more work/ punch fights) they tend to the spartan and communal, although the intricate majesty of stonework, gems and precious metal inlays that constitute DWARF design and architecture can hardly be called plain. Depending on the size and number of guilds a council of masters makes decisions for the hold on interpreting ancient DWARF law and precedent, review matters of war, and decide large scale trade matters. Otherwise DWARFS are free to do what they please (drinking, fighting, working, beard-care, more fighting). Smaller holds are often a clan, family, or small group of like-minded DWARFS who have banded together to trade, mine, fight, or explore (sometimes all four, often simultaneously.) These groups usually directly argue and vote on matters of import.

While it’s true that DWARVES keep to themselves and aim for self-sufficiency. There are still many DWARFISH LAIRDS who maintain old friendships with mankind and even (grudgingly) some ELVES. DWARFHOLDS will also trade for items of interest and knowledge. Young DWARVES often spend some years “above” fighting and looting to build up renown, treasure, for a bride-price, to fund a special project, or colonial expedition. DWARFHOLDS are stereotypically built into mighty mountain mines, but they can also be found above ground near other resources or along major trade routes. Sawmills, grain mills, water-powered smithies, and open pit mines are popular DWARFHOLDS above ground.

DWARVES are warriors par excellence. Fighting the things that creep and slither from the deepest depths of their mines and defending their hordes of treasure is the DWARF’S raison d'être. Despite the zvahunditzverfax-wielding armored beard stereotype, many DWARVES fight lightly armored with daggers and hatchets when in the tight depths of a gob-warren.

DWARF meat is surprisingly lean and sweet after a marinade of 3/7ths brandy and 4/7ths juice of the grosberry (spiced adequately and braised slowly in same).

GNOMES

Also known as DWARF DWARFS, TREE DWARVES, GARDEN WEASELS, HEDGE POKERS. GNOMES are to DWARVES what HALFLINGS are to HUMANS. They’re also much more magical than dwarves, and it’s far easier to tell the gentlemen from the ladies. GNOMES tend to live more pastoral lives in hill, dale, and forest. Their arts and crafts tend towards the precise and they are well known as clockmakers, tailors, jewelers and gem-cutters. They have a predilection for pointed hats. GNOMES are more gregarious than their larger DWARVISH cousins and less greedy, filthy and “hey-merry-nonny” than HALFLINGS so they are often spared the withering glances and occasional renovation by institutional or popular arson that plagues those two races respectively.

As one might expect, GNOMES speak a dwarven-related language, GNOMGLISH which in essence a simpler, kinder, less spit-in-the-face-when-you-talk version of DWEUTSCH. There are fewer words for “the feeling of amusement you have watching a guild-rival accidentally falling into a vat of molten platinum” (mitrilkonkurrierendezmelzendefreude) and more phrases like “how are the buttermilk pancakes today my good lady” (ho zyn’d karnemelkpannenkoeken dudaak mi goededame)

COMMON =GNOMGLISH

“I CUT THEIR THROATS WHILE THEY SLEEP.” ="IK SNIJ HUN KEEL TERWIJL ZE SLAPEN."

“I POKE IT WITH A THREE-CUBIT POLE, DOES IT EXPLODE?”= "IK POR HET MET EEN DRIE-KUBIEKE POOL, EXPLODEERT HET?"

“ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE?” ="ZIJN DAAR MEISJES?"

GNOMISH magic is well known and they tend to be competent, if insular, magicians. GNOME wizards often specialize in nature or illusionary spells to protect and hide their communities from larger and more aggressive animals, monsters, and races. Asking a GNOME if they’re a cross between an ELF and a DWARF, or a DWARF and a GOBLIN is a sure way to get a large supply of tiny crossbow bolts generously delivered to your epidermis gratis.

Eating GNOMES is a difficult proposition as they are stringy and bland. Fattening them is not usually an option since they are keen observers and prone to escaping. Pounded cutlets or tenderized strips breaded then fried in butter or oil and served with pepper-apple sauce is my recommendation.